Right, I’ve had a brainwave. In the same vein as the infamous “checklist” t-shirts but involving much less work, I’ve come up with an idea for a new tour accessory. Sporran size banter bingo cards. (I prefer “shite patter bingo”, but I can’t find an alliteration for that name).

I’m thinking A5 cards with maybe four rows of five boxes, each one with a phrase that a random footsoldier might utter during the course of the tour. We can all carry round bookies pens and cross these off as we hear them, and there would be prizes for first row, first column, etc. The prizes would either be midori, broon beer or whatever the local version of Starka is called.

Just imagine it… sitting in a bar in Tbilisi and some fanny from Kilmarnock tells us about a titty bar where you can get your hole for twelve and a half quid, and with barely a moment’s hesitation the assembled ranks of KELTA shout “HOUSE” in unison! That would be class!!!

I just need to get enough shite patter to fill the card. Here’s my thoughts so far:

• The Tartan Army’s gone right downhill – it’s the stag night mentality
• There’s a great microbrewery just round the corner! (sorry Paul!)
• We only need X points from the remaining Y to qualify
• As long as Lee McCulloch stays fit, I reckon we’ll get something off Brazil (points awarded for any combination of player and opposition)
• Twelve and a hauf quid fur yer hole!

Use the comments section to add your own suggestions…